How I’m Owning My Mistakes (Without Trying to Fix Anything Else)

Taking accountability without excuses or explanation

Being accountable isn’t telling people why I did something – if I explained myself clearly enough, that should count. What I’ve learned is how our actions affect others. The British Psychological Society says being accountable means taking responsibility for the real effects of what we do, not just our reasons for doing it.

When I look back, I didn’t listen when listening was needed. I answered instead. I focused on being heard rather than trying to understand. Where care and patience were required, I became defensive. I was protecting myself when I should have been present. That wasn’t confusion — it was a mistake.

Accepting responsibility when nothing can be fixed

I leaned too heavily on the relationship to heal parts of me that were my responsibility. I expected closeness to do work that only honest self-reflection and effort can do. That wasn’t fair. Relationships can support growth, but they can’t do the work for you. Expecting them to only creates pressure.

Like many men, I also believed I could fix things. I confused trying harder with knowing better. I pushed when what was needed was space. What felt like care to me felt like pressure to someone else. That difference matters — even though it’s uncomfortable to accept.

Psychologists make an important distinction here: accountability is different from shame or guilt used against you. If you fold shame and blame into your self-view, it can make you feel small and unworthy rather than capable of learning. UK therapists note that shame becomes harmful when it starts to hurt rather than help understanding.

What owning my mistakes really looks like

Too often, I focused on what I wanted and not enough on what was appropriate. Wanting something doesn’t make it right. Timing, context and boundaries are important. Ignoring them created strain, not safety.

I also tried to change another person instead of working on myself. I told myself I was helping, but really I was resisting reality. That isn’t growth. It’s control — even when it comes from good intentions. Owning this means knowing where my responsibility ends and trying to control others begins.

Learning from mistakes instead of repeating them

Underneath all of this were old patterns. When things felt uncertain or hard, a younger, more reactive part of me (the inner child) took over. I didn’t always notice it at the time. I can see it more clearly now. Acting from old habits doesn’t excuse my behaviour, but it does show where work is needed.

The point of accountability isn’t to list mistakes like a scoreboard. It’s to stop repeating them. If nothing changes, owning them means very little. Part of understanding emotions like shame and guilt is seeing the difference between feeling bad and acting better — guilt can motivate constructive change, whereas shame can make people feel “bad about themselves”, which doesn’t usually help improvement.

Self-respect, responsibility, and moving forward

I’m not saying this to be forgiven. Neither am I asking for understanding or trying to reopen anything. I’m saying this because I want to. It’s mine to own.

Accountability isn’t a discussion or a performance. It’s a clear statement of what I’m taking with me and what I’m leaving behind. This kind of responsibility doesn’t feel emotional. It feels steady. There’s no rush to be reassured and no need for a response. Just honesty, clarity, and a decision to do better next time.

On the Farm, growth comes from noticing what failed, learning from it, and changing how you work next season. That’s what this is. Not repair or redemption. Just responsibility — taken properly, so I can move forward intact.