Most people don’t struggle to say sorry. They struggle with what it feels like to say it properly. For many men, apologising can feel like giving something up — authority, control, ground. The FNG knows better. A proper apology isn’t about shrinking. It’s about standing still long enough to be honest.
Why is apologising hard for men?
For many of us, apologising was never modelled well. We were taught, quietly or directly, that saying sorry meant weakness. That admitting fault meant losing standing. So instead of apologising, we explained. We justified.
Over time, this turns apologies into arguments in disguise. The truth is, an apology that protects your ego rarely protects anything else. It doesn’t rebuild trust and it doesn’t leave you feeling solid. A proper apology is about accuracy.
“By taking responsibility for hurting someone’s feelings, or messing up at work, we threaten our image of ourselves as moral or competent.” — psychologist Karina Schumann on why apologies are hard.
The difference between apologising and explaining
This is where most apologies go wrong. Explanation focuses on intention — what you meant, what you were trying to do, why it made sense at the time. Apologising focuses on impact — what actually happened and how it landed.
When explanation comes too early, it sounds like defence, even when it’s true. For the FNG, ownership comes first. Explanation, if it’s needed at all, comes later and only when it’s asked for.
How to apologise properly without losing self-respect
A good apology doesn’t need many words. It needs clarity. It names the behaviour plainly, acknowledges the effect it had, and accepts responsibility without conditions. There’s no need to soften it with humour or dilute it with context. Calm accuracy carries more weight than polished language.
Self-respect stays intact when you’re not collapsing into self-criticism or turning the apology into a performance. You’re simply telling the truth and standing by it.
When timing matters more than the words
Even a well-phrased apology can miss if it comes at the wrong moment. When emotions are high, the job of an apology isn’t to fix anything or rush towards resolution. It means being accountable and taking responsibility.
That usually means fewer words and no expectation of outcome. The FNG isn’t trying to tidy the moment. He’s trying to accept it.
What happens after a proper apology
A clean apology allows space. If there’s something to hear, you listen. If there’s silence, you respect it.
What matters next isn’t what you promise — it’s what changes. On the Farm, you don’t keep apologising to the fence you broke. You change how you work so it doesn’t happen again.
When not to apologise
This matters too. Apologies offered to ease discomfort, regain control, or smooth things over too quickly often miss the mark. They feel transactional and rarely land well.
A proper apology is offered when something is genuinely yours to own and when you’re willing to stand by that ownership, regardless of how it’s received.
A final word for the FNG
A proper apology doesn’t make you smaller. It makes you solid. It shows you can tell the truth without flinching and take responsibility without disappearing. The FNG doesn’t apologise to be forgiven. He apologises to stay aligned with himself. That’s how you move forward with your head up.
